My Journey to Mental Freedom
Part One
I am supposed to be divorced, and my husband should be living in Florida, and me and my children living in Wisconsin. We should be discussing and implementing a co-parenting schedule of some sort, and I should be living on my own while suffering due to my own selfish desires and unforgivable actions. My children should be unhappy and likely depressed because their dad moved to Florida, and they don’t live with both parents anymore. But, thankfully, and honestly, surprisingly, that is not at all the case. In fact, it is just the opposite: we are all together; my husband and I are on a new, great path of love and self-correction, and I am one hundred percent no longer bisexual. In a screwed up way, God actually did answer my prayer, albeit 28 years later and after years of suffering and torment, but hey, He did.
What I did that should have sent me to divorce court was that I cheated on my husband three times-one time before we were married, and two times after we got married. But I didn’t cheat on him with men; instead, I cheated on him with women as I truly felt that, ever since I can remember (age six), I was bisexual, possibly closer to lesbian, but I still had a strong sexual attraction to boys.
When I was six, I remember one time during recess, I was unusually fixated on one of my classmates who I thought was absolutely gorgeous. I remember thinking I wanted her; yes, even at six I felt this way. I knew it was odd, and I knew I didn’t just feel friendship feelings toward her. This was the first time I remember being attracted to girls.
Fast forward to every grade after that, I always had one or two girls whom I was fixated on. But even with those fixations, I still had attractions towards boys as well. Yes, I was confused as all hell. I felt a deep attraction to boys, but an even deeper attraction to girls. As a result, I found myself in what felt like a mental prison. I hated it so much. I just wanted to be normal, and as a raised Christian, I knew it was absolutely wrong, which is why I kept these feelings to myself until I was 34 years old. This further strengthened my confusion and turmoil as I wanted to live a life pleasing to God, but I also felt like I owed it to myself to please me and to make me happy. It was awful, and I prayed to God every night to help me get rid of these feelings towards women. I felt completely imprisoned.
How was I imprisoned by my own mind? Well, each time I “found” a new girl to feel attracted to, I would fantasize about her for what seemed like all day and all night. I lost countless hours of sleep each night just because I was thinking about being with a woman. It caused me to be forgetful the next day, to be incredibly tired, and to have headaches due to a lack of sleep. But I could not stop. No matter how hard I tried to divert my attention and thoughts, they would always come right back to fantasizing. I absolutely loathed it.
The problem was that I kept feeding this attraction. I honestly believed that the person I was determined to be was by who I was attracted to; this was my identity. Because I felt this way for my entire life, I firmly believed it was who I am. As a result, I constantly found ways to feed my addiction. I fed it by watching lesbian films, by looking and liking women’s photos on social media, and by engaging in sexual acts with women. I didn’t realize it then, but I was choosing to continue to feed my addiction, and it came at a cost-being disloyal to my husband.